Issues that Victims of Child Abuse and Neglect Must Confront

There are a number of issues that victims of child abuse and neglect must confront, not only when they are suffering during the victimization, but for many years thereafter.

Here are some of those issues:

  • Physical pain
  • Emotional and psychological pain
  • Separation anxiety
  • Feelings of rejection
  • Uncertainty of the future
  • Feelings of grief and loss
  • Feelings of guilt and self-hate
  • Depression
  • Difficulty fitting in
  • Disrupted placements
  • Homelessness
  • Incarceration

These issues can manifest themselves in a number of behaviors and conditions, including these:

  • Opposition and defiance
  • Power struggles
  • Aggression
  • Withdrawal
  • Reactive attachment disorder
  • Bedwetting
  • Mania
  • Recklessness
  • Lethargy
  • Apathy
  • Hopelessness
  • Self-hatred
  • Self-injury

How the Grief Cycle Affects Foster/Adoptive Children

If you plan on trying to help someone—through foster, adoptive, or residential care—who has been the victim of child abuse or neglect, one of the things you must understand is the grief cycle. Understanding this phenomenon will enable you to provide better care, as you will have a better understanding of the motives behind the behaviors of the child in your care.

The grief cycle occurs when a child is removed from his home and is placed in a foster or adoptive home or in residential treatment care. The child experiences a deep sense of grief over the loss of his biological parents, or other people he considers his parents or caretakers, as well as any siblings.

The grief cycle for these children follows the Kubler-Ross stages of grief established in 1969, although individual children don't necessarily experience the stages in this order:

  • Shock/Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Despair/Depression
  • Acceptance/Understanding/Resolution

Kubler-Ross pointed out that a child can grieve for up to six years before achieving resolution. Furthermore, any stage can suddenly manifest at any point in time after a period of stability.

Anger is the stage that can lead to the most difficulty when caring for a child in foster, adoptive, or residential placement. An angry child can be very aggressive and destructive, taking out her rage on the very people trying to help her. It's easy for a caregiver to give up on a child during this stage—when the child is hitting you, cussing you out, and telling you he hates you.

However, we'd like to emphasize that it's precisely during this stage that you must provide the greatest amount of dedication to the child. As difficult as it can be, your unconditional care and concern during this time can make the difference between a successful life for the child and one of ongoing despair, disruption, and eventual destitution.

If one gives up on a child during this time, the child's feelings of rejection and self-hatred are affirmed, contributing to a hopeless spiral of further anger, distrust, disrupted placements, and self-destructive behavior.

But if one can just hold on a little longer until the child can make it through the anger stage, then there is great hope ahead. The child will have an infinitely greater chance of blossoming into a happy and emotionally healthy individual and productive member of society.

If you are caring for a foster or adoptive child cycling through the anger stage, please consider this: Try not to take the destructive behaviors and attacks of an angry foster or adoptive child personally. The child is expressing rage over his loss and is taking it out on the nearest person with whom he feels safe enough to do so.

But also realize that you shouldn't enable the child's dysfunctional behavior by coddling him when he's acting out. He needs to know that, although it's okay to have angry emotions, any destructive expression of those emotions is inappropriate and has consequences. Additionally, you must help the child learn appropriate ways of expressing himself, whether he's in distress or even happy.

All of this hard work definitely makes caring for a foster or adoptive child not an easy job. But, it's the job you agree to take on when you open your heart and home to a child in need.

Keep in mind, as well, that not all placements can work out. Sometimes a child simply doesn't fit in with the culture, dynamics, or needs of a particular home. So, it's very important to assess whether a foster or adoptive child's disruptive behaviors are mostly due to his or her grief, or whether other factors are at work.

In any case, if you find yourself caring for a child who is cycling through the anger stage, please try your best to provide unconditional care and concern—if not unconditional love—to that child. For, the cycle will eventually end, and your patience and altruism will be paid back in a lifetime of greater happiness for, and love from, that fully blossomed child.

For more information about the grief cycle in foster and adoptive children, here's a good article from About.com.